Can I just mention that Abortion jokes are just flat out not funny. I don't give a flying fuck on your opinion on the unborn, that shit is just not cool.
I've gone over and over what to write. I don't keep journals, I have really stopped keeping an online blog, well, because I OVER share.
Teenagers should never EVER EVER EVER have online blogs. They should have paper ones, with disappearing ink.
I hate the fact that I'm writing this because it makes it more final, more real.
About three weeks ago on April 11th, I found out I was expecting my third child.
Now, I was on the Mini-Pill, so this came as a Gigantic shock, and I was having a hard time coming to terms with it. Money is tight and behind in some things. So finding out I was pregnant stressed me out so bad considering things that where going on. I found out on a Friday so I got to be at home that weekend to process it. That Friday I made some of the best Vegetable Beef Stew I have ever made. I was feeling good. Over the weekend I applied for medicaid, and I even made a baby registry, because, I mean, losing the pregnancy just never crossed my mind.
Well, Tuesday morning started like every other, I had to wake myself up and get Addy ready and take her to school. So I do like I always do, push Ethan into Eriks arms but not before waking him up so he knows to roll over, then I get up and pee. By the time I wipe I see bright red blood, I look into the toilet bowl and see what probably was the baby. I may have been about 4 weeks, so it was just a glob.
I walk out, tell Erik very matter of factly that "I lost the baby", got Addy ready for school and walked her to class.
Erik was in his own shock, he took finding out that we where expecting alot better than I did. But when I said that I guess he just didn't know how to handle that. So by the time I get home we make the decision that It was time to go to the ER. So took a shower, got Ethan changed and dressed and we left for the ER.
When we reached the ER, I didn't want to have to sign in for myself and have to write down Miscarriage, being I guess hopeful, I wrote down possible miscarriage, and I was still hoping that this just wasn't real. But after some blood work, they told me I probably was and to come back in a couple days, because, well, I have no doctor to go to, I had medically needy and the OB/GYN I have seen since I was 18 wouldn't take anything other than pregnancy medicaid. And Pregnant I was no longer.
I keep going over what it could I have done that made me lose my baby. Was I too stressed out? Did I over exert myself? Did I eat something I shouldn't? Was it because I was taking the mini pill? Was it because I had an IUD?
Because it just had to have been something I did. This was the first time I have miscarried.
So after we left the hospital, Erik took me to lunch at Sonny's, and It took everything that was in me to not lose it. He drove us home, and it was time to call my mom because there was no way in hell that I was telling her right then. So I told her that I was sick with whatever Erik had.
We get home, I pull blankets up on the couch and I never left that couch all day. Erik picked up Addy and for the most part took care of Ethan. But I just sat there, eating crap food and crying.
The next day I told myself I had to suck it up and just go to work. But after answering a couple phone calls, I just wasn't feeling like being there.
So I did something really stupid, and I tried to confide in my mom.
Well, I told her that the Friday before I found out I was pregnant. So she turned her back on me.... Should I be surprised that this would be her response? Nope. So then I told her that I found out the day before I had lost it. And then began the third degree of "Well, where you trying? Where you taking your pill? What time do you take your pill? What brand are you on? What else can you take since apparently it's not working. You know you can use foams"
Go figure, Thanks a whole lot mom! Just what I need!
To clear some things up, Addy was conceived when I quit taking my birth control, the relationship was over and I wasn't expecting to have sex anymore. That whole situation is a whole different novel of an explanation.
Ethan was made because Erik and I wanted to have a baby. We made an effort and a conscious decision to make him.
That baby was a accident and surprise.
And everything in me wishes that I could have it back.
I wish I knew if I was finally going to have my second little girl, or was it going to be another little boy?
What color hair and eyes was it going to have?
What name would we have given it?
And I desperately want to give it a name. I Don't want to call them an IT, they don't deserve to be called an IT. It wasn't just a clump of cells to me, It didn't matter that it didn't have a heart beat.
I. Lost. My. Baby.
I ended up leaving work. I ended up getting the "I'm sorry you lost your baby" from my dad. Which felt empty.
For Fucks sake, really?
Speed up to the Thursday, I went back to the ER alone after work and Erik came home. Confirmed that I was back to before pregnancy level of HGC in my blood, the bleeding was letting up.
There was only one person at the ER who told me sorry for your loss.
My SIL and brother, some mommies I've gotten close to and the few friends that I told sent me their condolences.
But between the crying I got angry. I am still angry.
The only thing I am halfway decent is having kids. I've done it twice so far, and now I can't even do that.
It's still really hard.
And I have so many friend who are pregnant, they are having little boys and girls. One of my close friends was being very kind to me and told me that she was expecting and I ended up finding out what she was having before the big announcement. She was further along than me when she lost her angel a year ago. Her new little girl is her Rainbow Baby, and I am so happy for her.
But it still make me envious, and sad.
I don't even think that I deserve to grieve, because I was too early for the baby to develop. And I feel guilty for being sad. I have no right to grieve my miscarriage, I was only maybe 4 weeks. What right to I have to grieve when I know people who lose their newborns? their 28 weekers? They make it over the scary 1st Trimester and are in it for the long haul and then they lose their angels? What Right Do I Have?
I still don't think I deserve to. But I desperately want people to know I have three children. I want that child to have a name. Because somehow that makes them more real.
This is where I'm happy that I was raised in the church I was, that sometimes people don't have to be here that long, they did enough before that their time here just needs to be short. That only special people are mean't to be the parents of these special little souls. They have no judgement needed, they are already in Heaven with God and Christ.
Erik has been amazing these past few weeks, and I have fallen back in love with him, he is there to hold me when I cry, to tell me that it wasn't my fault. He has truly became my partner through this horrible time.
We actually agreed that we would give them a name, their name is Robin. We love Robin and I hope that one day I am worthy to meet Robin when I die.
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